Who wins in the longer run?

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.

She look mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

Passing Funeral

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Doorbell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Monkey Business

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Joseph saw a Sign

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"

My software called Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Y you dont talk in Church?

A little boy was asked why it’s important to be quiet in church.
He thought a moment, then replied, "Because people are trying to sleep."

Genie and The One Wish

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Funny Quote

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Surprise Package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Hooligan Hijinx

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

Good Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

Penguins Go to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

No no thats not it

A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He'd pick up a piece of paper and say, "No, no, that's not it!" After some weeks he was seen by the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist concluded the private was deranged and wrote his discharge from the army. The private picked it up and said, "Yes, that's it!"

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?
Can't they just get taller women?

 

more at: www.MyHungama.com

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?
Can't they just get taller women?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Vat Vas Dat Agin?

Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''
The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''
''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Too Much Tequilla

A guy is at the bar talking to the bartender. The discussion goes on about the most shots of tequila in a row ever done in the bar without throwing up. The bartender tells him that the record is ten straight. The man laughs and says, "I can do that, no problem." So the bartender sets up 11 shots on the bar for the man. The man looks, laughs and quickly downs all 11 in about 5 minutes. Everyone in the bar watches in anticipation waiting for him to throw it up but he doesn't. Eventually, he staggers out the door and gets into a cab. The next evening that same man comes back to the bar looking very worn out, and orders a ginger ale. The bartender looks at him and says, "What, no more tequila?" The man looks up and says, "Not for a while my friend. You see, when I got home last night, the room started spinning and I blew chunks." The bartender says, "Blowing chunks is not that bad. Most people who drink that much usually throw up." The man replies, "But you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

How do you become a daddy?

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

3 tough mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to BASH the cat."

3 Men in Hell

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Clintons' Parrot

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.

The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.

After nearly two days of looking no-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute.

The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House.

The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."

Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

Blind Man in a Blonde Bar

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

100% at Work

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

Silent Odorless Farts

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Whats My Name?

A little boy went to school one day and the teacher asked,"What is your name little boy?" The little boy answered,"I don't know!" So the teacher tole him to go home and ask his mom. So little boy asked his mom," Momma, whats my name?" But the mother was having an angry conversaton on the phone with her x-husband, so she replied without thinking,"@#$%!!!" The little boy said,"Okay!" The he went to his sister and asked,"Sister, whats my middle name?" But the sister was winning a game so she replied without thinking,"Yes, yes, yes." The little boy said,"Okay!" Finnaly the little boy asked his brother,"Brother, what is my last name?" But the brother was watching his fave. show so without thinking he replied,"Batman!" The little boy said," Okay!" Then at school the next daythe teacher asked again," Little boy what is you name?" The boy answered," @#$%!!!" The teacher outraged at the little boy angrily asked," Do you want to go the principal's office?" The little still saying what he thought was his name answered," Yes yes yes." Mad the teacher asked," Just who do you think you are???" The little boy answered prouldly," Batman!!!!"

Lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

Clock of Life

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for Yamraj, so, upon passing the entrance test, Yamraj says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. Yamraj shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

Yamraj explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

Yamraj explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," Yamraj replies, "That's Sonia Gandhi's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep" the wife replied, "in-laws".

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Dumbest Deaths in History

How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History

Attila the Hun:

One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's
army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia
to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages
and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico.
Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield,
he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets.
On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose,
gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the
night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to
notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead
the next morning.

--------------------

Tycho Brahe:

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century.
His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton
to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to
leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe,
known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition
-- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet
started. He made matters worse by drinking too much
at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused.
His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully
over the next 11 days.

--------------------

Horace Wells:

Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.

While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia
research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848
he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric
acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform
for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before
the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his
cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and
slashed open his thigh with a razor.

--------------------

Francis Bacon:

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century.
A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist,
he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's
plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken.

One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm
and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow
could be used to preserve meat in the same way that
salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased
a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then,
standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the
chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never
froze, but Bacon did.

--------------------

Jerome Irving Rodale:

Founding father of the organic food movement, creator
of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder
of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing
the benefits of organic foods.

Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless
I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only
72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January
1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead
in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show
was never aired.

--------------------

Aeschylus:

A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider
him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and
attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks.
An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was
bald) and dropped it on him instead.

--------------------

Jim Fixx:

Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running,"
which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked
out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a
short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy
revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged,
another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and
that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior
to his death.

--------------------

And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-
century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.

While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating
time with his staff, and drove it right through his
foot. He died of infection.

Stupid Famous Quotes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The Devoted Wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

Four Letter Word Surgery

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

Proposing!

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You`re wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I`ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.

Dead Politicians

Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

1) Great..........................................Fa Kin Su Pah

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP....................................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.......................Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table...................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat

9) It is very dark in here........................Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei ing Lo

14) He is cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka

15) That is not right.............................Sum Ting Wong

16) Your body odour is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu

Why It's Better To Be A Man?

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - Rs.30,000; tux rental - Rs.500.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is Rs.150 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public.

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Diwali shopping for 25 relatives, in 45 minutes.

Did Santa Get It For You?

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Hide-N-Seek

A blonde, brunette, and red head snuck into a barn late in the night. In the morning they heard the farmer starting up his tracker. Frightened, the 3 girl hid behind things in the barn. The red head hid behind the cows, the brunette hid behind the pigs, and the blonde hid behind the sacks of potatoes. The farmer walked into the barn. "Hey there cows" said the farmer. The red head went moooooooo. "Hey there pigs" said the farmer. The brunette went oink oink oink. "Hey there are my potatoes" said the farmer. The blonde went POTATOE! POTATOE!

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

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A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

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A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

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The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

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A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

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Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

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A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

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When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

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A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Taste Test

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."

Student of Butcher School

A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North- West America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents - chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them......moosellanious.

How to start your day with a positive outlook?

Open a new file in your PC.

Name it as "Boss".

Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

Football Teams of last 40 Years

Hanging in the hallway at one high school are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc. One day a new student was looking at the pictures, and was heard to enguire, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

Toilet Facilities

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."

Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.

Snow White and her camera

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of all the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished the first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

She was very disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, tried to console her and said, "Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."

Two psychiartists and a lift

Two psychiartists with offices in the same building rode the elevator together every morning. Each day the elevator operator would watch in amazement as one of the psychiatrists spit in th other's face, while the victim did nothing in return. Finally the operator stopped the second man after the other had exited and said, "Excuse me, sir, but for three years now I've been watching as that other man spits in your face every day. I just have to ask why you don't ever do anything about it." "Well," said the shrink, "it's *his* problem."

Stolen toilets

Somebody broke into police headquarters and stole all the toilets. Detectives say they have nothing to go on.

How to Kiss without touching

Said John to Mary, "I'll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dime that says you can't."
The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips."
John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose."

The Air Conditioner Problem

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

The Best Monk

A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."
The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."
To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Some Laws Newton forgot

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, ur nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

23rd century the solar system

In the 23rd century the solar system was wracked by constant warring between the fragmented states of the Asteroid Belt. Particularly successful in these wars was one tribe (I'll call them Joes) which managed to total up a surprising war record despite its amazingly primitive weaponry through sheer ferocity.
After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation (call them Jacks), the Joe general went over to his adversary's flagship to sign a treaty of peace.
After the diplomatic niceties were taken care of, the Jack general (who had been wounded in the previous day's fighting) took a moment of his time to talk shop and mention his injury. Their exchange follows:
Said the Jack general, "What was that laser you sawed me with last night?"
Came the reply, . . . "That was no laser--that was my knife!"

Roger's Cookie

Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it had disappeared into thin heir.

Politician's Charge

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they only *promise* change.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.

Can cats see in the dark?

Can cats see in the dark?
Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!

Politician's Money? OR?

One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m. All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.
"You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!"
"Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

The African Chieftain

The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forebade the killing of animals.
Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans. Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives.
The terrified populace petitioned their leader to recind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief. Not only was the revolt successful, it was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game.

I am thinking of something

I'm thinking of something.
John Major has a short one.
Mikhail Gorbachev has a long one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
And the Pope has one but doesn't use it.

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(A surname.)

New restaurant on the moon?

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.

Minister's Call

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now...
she's hitting the bottle."

The Artist and the Pun

There was a man who loved to make up puns. One day a local magazine sponsored a pun-contest.
The man entered the contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.